I could make wine with my vomit
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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