Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
