New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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