i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
