I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
