Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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