she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize