I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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