Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize