I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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