Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
