I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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