I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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