my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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