does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
