My sheets look like a crime scene.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
