i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
