im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
