Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
