you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize