If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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