you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
