Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
