the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
