I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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