Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize