did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
