I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
