ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize