batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize