I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
