i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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