I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Couch. On fire.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
