i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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