I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
