saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
