I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize