I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
