Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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