My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize