The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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