Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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