i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
