Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
