So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
