Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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