remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize