I accidentally had phone sex last night
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
