I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
