I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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