i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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