Whoa Z and x make the same sound
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I AM VODKA MAN
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
