Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
