Joe is yelling at the trees again.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
