If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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