The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
