this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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