Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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