just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
