Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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