I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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