just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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